Girl Talk – The Emergency Edition

“Breaker 911, breaker 911, Houston we’ve got a problem out here in Quadrant One of the dog park,” Alice said into her paw. “Victim is bleeding from somewhere on the head, lots of damn blood all over the fresh white snow that she was running through. Name of victim is Macy. She seems a little dizzy but she always seems damn dizzy to me. Unsure of the cause of the accident but I want to go on record as saying I am not taking the god-damned blame for this and it has abso-positively nothing to do with me pounding on her or trying to herd her. One minute she’s running around, the next she’s bleeding like a stuck pig. That’s all I’m sayin. Over.”

Alice put her paw back into the snow and trotted with mom, dad, and Macy to the car. Mom grabbed some napkins from the glove compartment and wiped Macy’s fur while she and Dad searched for the cut. Neither of them had any idea what had happened. There were no other dogs at the park and Alice had given Macy only one minor correction on the neck for running faster than her. No way had that little nip on the neck caused all of this mess.

They got Macy home quickly and scoured her head and neck for another cut. Alice sat close by, hoping that nothing was too terribly wrong and also hoping she could score a few sympathy treats. You know, being the big worried sister and all.

As soon as mom and dad thought the bleeding had stopped, it started again. Little red droplets dotted the hardwood floor.  “It’s the tip of her ear,” Dad said. “It’s split.”

Alice put on her most pathetic dog expression possible as mom and dad discussed whether to bring Alice to the emergency clinic with them. It worked, as it always did. Soon they were in the car, with Alice riding shotgun up front and mom in back pressing a green dishtowel against Macy’s ear.

“Incoming! Incoming!” Alice cried into her paw.  ”This is Sergeant Alice Palace Purcell riding up front with Captain Purcell. We’ve got an emergency coming your way. Female. Spayed. Six years old. Kinda wimpy and sensitive. Has a weird thing for dairy products. We should be at the emergency room in approximately ten minutes and you better be god-damned ready for us.”

She glanced over to Dad and gave an Aussie smile that said she had it all under control. Then she turned back to check on Macy who was laying against mom’s legs.

“Listen, little one, you’ll be just fine. I’ve been to this place and they take good care of you. Just don’t let them stick that thermometer up your ass like they did to me. Oh, and make sure to suck it in when you get on the scale. If I remember correctly, it weighs you extra heavy and then dad will think you need to go on a diet. What the hell happened anyway?”

Macy shook her head sadly. “I don’t know, Alice. My ear hurts. It hurts so bad I might start cursing like you do. Fudge. I mean, Truck. I mean…oh, I can’t do it like you can.”

Alice put on her most serious face and talked into her paw. “Victim is becoming delirious from loss of blood. Wants to curse but doesn’t even know the word fuck. Triage! We need triage, people!”

When they got to the clinic, Alice hopped out of the car first to clear the area in case the media had followed them. “Move along everyone. Nothing to see here,” she barked even though the parking lot was nearly empty.

Inside the clinic, Alice took a cursory sniff around the perimeter and made sure all the quadrants were secure. There was no need to bark, herd, or otherwise protect Macy. Except there was that dreaded scale. And there was Macy getting on the scale. 

“Fifty five pounds,” the emergency tech said.

“Jesus Christ,” Alice barked. “What’s up, lard ass?”

“Shut up,” Macy said. “I’m injured and if you don’t watch it, I’m going to tell everyone it’s your fault. Besides, you’ve got enough winter weight to last you through next spring.”

“I’m big-boned,” Alice said. “Voluptuous. A classic hour-glass figure.”

Before Alice could finish reeling off all of the adjectives she’d come up with for her body type, Macy and dad were being led to a room by the vet tech.

“Wait!” Alice barked. “What about me? Don’t you need me in there to oversee the procedure?”

Mom tugged at Alice’s leash and gave her the quiet command which Alice had decided long ago to only obey on her own terms. And this situation clearly did not meet any of her terms.

“EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! SQUAD 51! JOHNNY! ROY! RAMPART 51! VICTIM IN EXAM ROOM WITHOUT ME! SQUAD 51 RESPOND!”

“Alice, relax,” Mom said, pulling her back but Alice would have nothing of it. She needed to be in that room with Macy. Her little sister needed her. She did her best to gain traction on the marble floor but mom was winning.

“Go on back,” the receptionist said. “It’s clear your other dog is worried about her.”

“She just thinks Macy is getting something special,” mom said. “Wait until she sees the vet coming through the door. She’ll want to high-tail it back out here.”

They both laughed while Alice charged forward, taking advantage of the momentary slack in her leash.  She burst through the exam door and looked at Macy.

“Thanks,” Macy said. “I feel better having you here.”

“Knew you would ‘fraidy cat,” Alice said. She sniffed the perimeter of the room and squatted on the mat near the door.

Mom yelled her name but it was too late.

“Just making sure they know Alice the Palace was here is all,” Alice said to Macy. “It’s all part of the procedure.”

The vet came in, inspected Macy’s ear and recommended stitches.

“You’ll be fine,” Alice said before the door closed. “I’ll be waiting for you at home.”

Alice looked out the window as they drove home. She’d get a few extra treats for being an exceptionally good girl but there was no better treat than knowing she was the bestest big sister in the world to Macy. No dog could do it better. Alice was damn sure of that.